loss, miscarriage

My Miscarriage Story

Hi, everyone! I cannot tell you how many times I have started this post….then deleted it. I have been MIA from here since it happened. I wanted to feel what I needed, heal, and just be with my sweet little family. I am ready to share this, especially because it helped me so much to read and relate to other women’s stories.

On the fourth of July, 4 days before I would have announced my pregnancy, I was on the bathroom floor crying in pain. Miscarriage is messy, painful, and heartbreaking.

Let’s go back to the beginning…

In January I had my first miscarriage. It was early on, before I even saw my doctor, but I still had high emotions.

This time was my second miscarriage. I was quite a bit further along, and it broke me. My first appointment went okay. The baby was measuring small, but had a heartbeat, which was relief. They wanted to do another ultrasound at 10 weeks to check on the baby. My husband and I went in nervous, but hopeful. The ultrasound tech started, but when she didn’t say a word to us I knew something was wrong. I didn’t even try to ask questions because I knew she wouldn’t answer me.

When the doctor came in she confirmed our fears. There was no heartbeat, and I was going to miscarry.

She gave me three options:

1: Wait and miscarry naturally

2: Take medicine to speed things along

3: Have a d and c

I opted for option 1. We were heading on vacation the following week. I didn’t want it to happen on vacation, but I also didn’t want to miss out on making memories. I decided to go, and it turned out to be a wonderful time. We decided to come home a day early, which was perfect because everything happened the day after we got home.

It started out with heavy bleeding and mild cramping, but the pain intensified immensely throughout the day. I spent most of the day on the bathroom floor dizzy, bloody, nauseous, and bloody until the pain subsided a bit by dinner. My mom and husband were both there helping me and taking care of the baby. I was beyond thankful for them!

That evening, I showered and had dinner. I had a fever, but the cramps were much lighter, and I felt better.

I had some pain for a few more days, and bleeding quite a bit longer.

My heart grieves for the baby I never got to meet, but I am in a very good place now.

Sending hugs to all the mom’s that have been through a miscarriage. You are not alone.

father, loss, love

To My Dad In Heaven

Here’s to you, dad.

5 years ago I witnessed you take your last breath, and my life was forever changed. I struggled putting the pieces of my life back together, hell, I still do, but I have made a lot of progress. I promise to work hard and  make you proud. 

So, dad, here’s to you. 

To the man who taught me how to ride a bike.

To the man who taught me how to be respectful. 

To the man that held me in his lap.

To the man who taught me the beauty in being reserved.

To the man that trained me for my first half marathon. 

To the man who worked hard to provide for his family. 

To the man who always made me laugh.

To the man who showed me what love was.

To the man who faught cancer with everything he had.

To the man who wasn’t physically at my wedding, but I could feel in spirit.

To the man who is no longer on this earth, but still very much alive in my heart.

Here’s to you.

I will always be your little girl. I love you with every bit of my heart and miss you every single day.

Happy Father’s Day!